“Where’s my book?” My three-year-old nephew, Miransh, cried and screamed, looking for the thing he never cared about. His kindergarten book. But since it was missing since morning, he suddenly cared about it. Even more than his mother cared about him.
“How would I know?” I shrugged, making the most genuine face I could.
Miransh put his elbows on his waist while scrunching his brows harder, as if he wanted to crush me between them. It was clear he didn’t buy my argument. Out of the other three people in my house, which included his grandparents and mother, I looked more like a thief. I would give it to him. The guy’s smart enough to understand that. I stole his book when he was asleep to get back at him. He had called me an idiot a day before.
While he screamed and threw his hands and legs everywhere, I smirked and opened his book in my room. But when I opened it, I realised why my nephew cared about his book. It was a treasure of ancient wisdom packaged in little proverbs. I kept reading them one by one, closing my eyes to comprehend the deep wisdom. I woke up after an hour, realising that I had closed my eyes long enough that I fell asleep. But there wasn’t any more screaming in my house. Miransh slept, tired of the screaming and the tantrums. I looked at the book I held and realised that it was the answer to all my miseries. Provided I execute what I learnt. So I decided to implement the proverb that seemed to be the remedy for everything a man ever desired. It read - “Early to bed and early to rise. Makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”
Simple. Easy. Brilliant. This proverb had all the things anyone born ever wanted. Right from the stone age. Health. Wealth. Wisdom.
I decided to implement my learning immediately. I had to sleep early to wake up early. That meant no binge watching, no late night partying, and most importantly, no work. Since I worked as per US time hours, it was a challenge to sleep early. But I had faked working by freezing my laptop screen and sleeping all night many times. So I figured it won’t be tough. I set my alarm for 4 am and removed the biggest roadblock for waking up early. Hunger. I gulped all the food my stomach could hold for the night, switched off the lights, put on my air conditioner and got inside the sheets. It was 9 pm.
I was up. In five minutes. The gas inside my stomach was protesting about getting out. Since I was fighting back by resisting, it kicked me, which made it painful to hold on to it. So I let it go.
I closed my eyes again, but woke up multiple times. Once it was the screaming of my nephew who suddenly remembered about his lost book. Once it was the screaming of my sister who had lost her control and was warning him to stop. Once it was my parents who were screaming at my sister for screaming at their grandchild. Once it was my dog who was screaming because he was tired of the screams all day and wanted to sleep, just like me.
It was 12 pm already. The gas wasn’t protesting anymore. I woke up to pee, but then I realised something. Hunger. But I had prepared for it. I devoured the burger and the cold drink I had ordered and hid from my nephew. New gas in my stomach tried to protest, but it realised it was pointless. So I could sleep.
When I woke up, I realised my nephew was screaming. He wanted the book. When I checked the alarm, it was 10 am. I had missed the ten alarms somehow. I had not just missed the alarms, but also my work. I had to explain it to my boss. I knew the best time to explain to him would be in the daytime, as he would be asleep at the hour.
“Hi Mark, I couldn’t work yesterday. I was sick because of the gas problem. Hope to see you today.” I mailed my boss and went to spend my day productively. By teasing my nephew. I knew I had failed to execute the proverb, but I was determined to make it right. I had to somehow also figure out how to work and sleep simultaneously, considering my boss would like to meet me after my sickness.
I woke up the next day at 11 am, struggling to sleep the entire night with my nephew’s screaming and the heavy protest my stomach was up to.
“Dear Mark, Sorry for missing work yesterday. The gas problem has worsened. The gas has angered my stomach, which is now resisting to deliver poop to my intestines. I will definitely see you today.” I emailed Mark, hoping to explain to him that night. Except I couldn’t.
I slept early but woke up late. The extreme exhaustion from the screaming and the binge eating had somehow put me to sleep. It was 12pm when I woke up.
“Dear Mark Sir, Sorry for missing work yesterday. The gas problem has worsened to unimaginable levels. Although my stomach has sent some poop towards my intestines, my intestines are now throwing tantrums. Also, the pollution caused by the gas leak has made others around me sick. I had to rush my family to the hospital. I will definitely see you today.” I emailed Mark and practiced the face I would make when I see him. I knew I had to return to work anyhow. So I pledged better execution and slept earlier than usual, inserting ear plugs inside my ears.
This continued for a week—eating late, missing work, emailing Mark, sleeping through alarms. Rinse. Regret. Repeat.
One day for a change, I received an email from Mark. “Dear Ken, I hope your gas problem is better now. If not, I suggest you go for a fart friendly diet or try a fart relief yoga pose. If that doesn’t work, you can insert a pipe inside your stomach from your anus like this video suggests(link included). If even that doesn’t work, just keep your gas problem to yourself and don’t pollute our culture with your filthy gases. You are fired.”
I realised I had to do something. I saw the weighing machine gathering dust in the corner. I stood on it. It displayed hundred kilograms, which was twenty kilograms, more than the last time I weighed. Seven days ago.
I realised I was missing something. There was something wrong. The wisdom of the ages couldn’t be wrong. I opened the book of proverbs and read the proverb again. I then flipped back to the first page of my nephew’s book. “For kindergarten” it read.
I realised what I had missed. All the kids’ parents whose kids study in kindergarten might also have read this proverb. I texted my friend whose kid studied in the kindergarten asking about the proverb. “Oh, that proverb is to fool kids to sleep early so that you could produce more kids at night,” he texted back.
I knew he must be right. Ugly guy. Hot wife. But they had three kids in three years. The guy must know something. I thought about my other disgusting friends. Same outcome. Most had multiple ugly kids.
I started trembling as I realised something. I was fatter, broke, and stupid. That was nowhere close to the results (healthy, wealthy and wise) claimed by the ancient proverb. I wanted to blame the book for not prescribing the methods to achieve the results they claimed. But then, how did I believe in something that simple? It seemed more like a magician’s trick. “Sleep early and abracadabra. You will become healthy, wealthy, and wise.”
As I closed my eyes to gain perspective, I saw the door of my room open. It was my nephew with my sister and parents. He pointed to the book in my hands. His kindergarten book. I shook my head and tried to fake ignorance. He put his hands on his waist and scrunched his eyebrows harder. But this time I felt the pinch as if I was between those brows.
I stood up, avoided looking at my sister, and handed the book to my nephew. He looked at his mother from the corner of his eyes. When he realised his mother was staring at me, he slowly stretched his lips into a grin. It was more of a smirk. The little badass kid always knew it.
As my sister and parents left the room, my nephew turned back, smirked again, and threw the book out of the window.
That day I realised one thing. The modern conclusion of ancient wisdom. That Karma is a bitch.
About This Series
Ancient Advice, Modern Conclusions is a short series where I take age-old wisdom and apply it to adult life—with predictably terrible results. Think of it as life advice in reverse: I mess up, so you don’t have to (but also, you probably still will).
New episodes drop occasionally, like bad decisions.