He Woke Up at 5 A.M. and Ruined Everything
A satirical tale of sleep deprivation, power games, and motivational delusion.
Nick had always dreamed of becoming a morning person—as far back as he could remember. But his wife wouldn’t let him.
She never let him sleep at night.
They would lie on the bed, she’d gently caress his hand… and then slowly hand him the thing she treasured most.
Her laptop.
She made him work every night… on the floor. Because her laptop, always on and always overheating, made the bed too warm. So Nick would quietly lie on the floor, finishing her work assignments while she dozed off mid-email.
When he’d finally complete the assignments, Nick would curse himself by watching a YouTube video titled “How Men Became Successful by Waking Up at 5 AM.”
Something had to change. If he wanted to be successful, he needed to become a morning person. But if he failed to complete his wife’s work even once, she’d get fired—and Nick would be out on the street. Because like any esteemed person, Nick was unemployed.
So he came up with a plan.
Strategy 1–Delegation
“Why don’t you delegate your work?” Nick asked, thinking of all the advice he’d read about how successful entrepreneurs get more done in less time.
“What do you think I’m doing every night?” his wife replied, munching on freshly baked popcorn she’d forced Nick to make.
Nick swallowed. “I mean... why don’t you delegate it to someone else?”
She exhaled sharply and put the popcorn down. “If you want me to delegate work to your mother, at least have the courtesy to tell me during the day. I’ll have to explain the tasks properly—so she doesn’t commit errors like last time.”
“Last time? What errors?” Nick frowned. When did she make my mother do her office work?
“Yeah, thirty years ago, she committed an error by giving birth to you.”
She tapped him on the head and handed over the laptop.
Nick stayed up all night, completing her assignments again. Then cursed himself to sleep by watching another video on How Men Became Successful by Waking Up Early.
The next morning, he tried another strategy.
Strategy 2–Automation
“These AI chatbots can do wonders,” Nick said, pointing to ChatGPT on his screen. “They can finish any task in one-tenth the time humans can.”
His wife narrowed her eyes. “And how do you know?”
“I tried it.” Nick shrugged casually.
“You mean… you chatted with ChatGPT?” Her voice dropped into a growl.
“Yes.” Nick looked at her from the corner of his eye. His heart beat against the walls of his chest.
She stood up and kicked him. “You idiot! You have time to chat with a stupid AI bot, but not with your wife?”
Nick quietly picked up the laptop and got to work.
After completing her assignments that night, he watched the video on How Men Became Successful by Waking Up Early.
But deep down, he knew—this couldn’t go on.
Strategy 3–Distraction
He needed to distract his wife—permanently.
Sex? he thought. But then he remembered the face she’d made the last time he suggested it. Like someone had shown her a cat inside his bikini.
He needed something else.
Nick quickly composed an email and hit send. He just had to wait for the reply. It was the perfect plan.
That evening, his wife came home from shopping, opened her laptop—and froze.
There was a new email from her boss, replying to one she had apparently sent.
“Karen, while I’m flattered by the unsolicited nude images, I must say—I’ve seen better. And bigger. Also, for the record: I’m not gay.”
She opened the attachment. She hadn’t seen it in a while, but she immediately recognized the “thing” in the photo.
It was Nick’s.
She glared at him. “What makes you think my boss would like your penis?”
Nick stared, speechless. He couldn’t believe it. She’s not even mad I tried to prove she’s a man? And her boss has seen better—and still isn’t gay?
“You think he’s gay?” she scoffed. “Do you even know how I got promoted?”
Nick’s eyes widened. His plan had backfired.
He was trying to get her fired by framing her as a man. Instead, she’d just given him career advice.
Did that mean more assignments were coming?
He didn’t ask. He just took the laptop and worked through the night. This time, he skipped the motivational video and went straight to sleep.
But something felt off. Was it the email fiasco? His wife possibly cheating? The fear of future assignments?
No.
It was the missing video.
He opened YouTube and replayed “How Men Became Successful by Waking Up Early.” Again and again, until he absorbed every pixel of its wisdom.
The next morning, Nick woke up at 5 AM.
He dressed quickly, checked on his sleeping wife, and stepped out.
By 6 AM, he was standing at the door of his wife’s boss.
The man opened the door, yawning. “Nick?”
Nick nodded. “Sir, I can help you.”
The boss blinked. “With what?”
“With success,” Nick said solemnly. “Let me do your work assignments. Every morning. In return, you fire my wife.”
The boss frowned. “And how does that help me become successful?”
Nick leaned in. “If I do your office work, you’ll finally be free—to focus on your wife’s assignments. I’ll do your job, and you can do hers. It’s a win-win.”
The boss’s eyes widened.
Nick held his breath.
The boss nodded.
He fired Karen for “secretly being a man.”
And Nick?
He finally became a morning person. And by 5 A.M. each day, he was doing assignments for all of his wife’s bosses—one success story at a time.