Hobbies for Hire
A guide to monetizing useless skills and poor life choices
“Give your hobbies on rent.” That’s what my teacher suggested when I couldn’t give him a pen.
Shocking isn’t it? How could he even think of such a unique idea? And all these years I wondered what to do with these rare hobbies I have.
Don’t worry. I’m not crazy. I don’t have weird hobbies like writing or painting. I mean, what would I even do with those? Inspire people? Please.
My hobbies are much more practical. And rare.
Let me list them, along with the rental charges. You figure out how to use them.
Hobby 1: Watching People Rub Each Other
Yes. You heard that right.
Who doesn’t like watching people rub each other? It’s therapeutic. And productive.
Because when two people rub hard enough, they generate heat. That heat?
Can be used to cook food.
All you need is a few wooden logs nearby, and depending on the intensity of the rubbing, your lunch is ready in minutes.
Tip: Stay away from married couples. You’ll die of hunger.
Rent Charge: $100/day
Hobby 2: Stealing Soap
Soap is underrated. People think it’s for cleaning hands.
Rookie mistake.
Soap’s real purpose is chaos. Especially when it’s stolen.
Things you can do with stolen soap:
-Make the floor slippery when you want to kill someone but don’t want the blame.
-Pre-wash the cockroaches that fall into your food so you don’t get sick after eating them.
-Hurl it at couples who’ve stopped rubbing mid-session, just to restart the fire.
Given its multipurpose nature, this hobby isn’t cheap.
Rent Charge: $200/day
Hobby 3: Waiting
Ah, my oldest and most refined skill.
I’ve been waiting for 30 years for God to make me rich. Still buffering.
I’ve also been waiting for Riya to marry me. She hasn’t replied yet.
Last time I saw her, she was rubbing my best friend.
The friction was so intense, I managed to cook breakfast, lunch, and two dinners.
Unfortunately, they didn’t stop. So I had to throw my stolen soap to break them up.
I’m sorry I interrupted them. But the heat was so intense that I burnt all my food. Again.
This hobby is extremely useful in high-stakes situations:
-Wait while your partner finishes rubbing their boss or their ex.
-Wait near the door to avoid slipping when your partner soaped the floor to kill you.
-Wait outside your teacher’s house with a bag of soap, ready to kidnap him until he tells you how to make money from hobbies.
Rent Charge: $500/day
Still not convinced?
Send me your address.
I’ll come over.
Wait outside your house till you finish rubbing.
Then throw soap at you.
And when you come outside, trembling and slippery, I’ll ask:
“Now, will you tell me how to make money from my hobbies?”
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