Lick Me, Love Me Not
Dating is fun-until weird becomes a lifelong subscription
I shrugged her hands off me.
She hugged me from behind.
I shrugged again. She hugged again.
I scratched the left side of my nose. She scratched the right side.
“Why the heck?” I asked.
“Why the heck not?” she grinned.
I stopped my bike and turned to her. “I’m not Superman. Don’t try to fly on my back.”
“Why the heck not?” she smiled.
I wrinkled my nose. She threw me a kiss.
“Look, honey, let’s cut the crap. What do you want?”
“You,” she winked. “Completely.”
My mouth hung open. “What do you mean?”
“Whatever you want it to,” she winked again.
Priya was acting weird. And trust me — I love weird stuff. That’s probably why I agreed to date this weird-looking girl in the first place.
But Priya never acted this sweet unless she wanted something.
My mind screamed: SEX!
Except anyone who’s ever known a woman knows — they don’t hug and throw kisses when they want sex. No, they complain. They nitpick. They frown at towels on the bed.
I looked at Priya. She was tucking hair behind her weird-shaped ears.
“Please. Just tell me. What do you want?”
“You,” she said again. Shrugged. Winked.
When a girl repeats herself and throws in body language, there’s definitely a hidden motive.
I scratched my face. “And?”
She moved her lips side to side like a toothpaste ad. “Maybe… instead of giving me something, you could get rid of a few things.”
That was new. And weird.
And trust me — I love weird stuff.
“Like what?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Something irrelevant in your life.”
“Like?”
“Maybe… your mother. Or your dog.”
My mouth dropped open. “Why not my dad while we’re at it?”
“Sure,” she nodded. “He’s weird too.”
I blinked. “Have you lost it? You want me to get rid of my family? Are you an idiot?”
“Watch your words,” she warned.
I apologized immediately. I may love weird stuff, but I don’t love hospital bills.
As we rode to the ice cream parlour, she didn’t hug me from behind. Didn’t even touch a finger. That was weird.
And yes, I love weird stuff.
I handed her an ice cream and watched her lick it with her long, weird tongue.
“If my parents hurt you, I’m sorry,” I said.
“Great,” she replied, handing me her phone. “Now apologize on Instagram. From their accounts.”
I rubbed my face. “I don’t have their passwords. Also… what did they even do?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you mad?”
“They said nothing about my latest post. My new dress!”
I tried not to scream. “Maybe they didn’t see it?”
“Even our next-door aunty, who barely notices me, commented. But your parents? Nothing. Because they. Don’t. Care.”
I sighed. She had a point.
“My family’s not even on Instagram.”
“Oh really?” she hissed, showing me a profile. “Isn’t this your dog Lucy?”
The dog in the picture looked like Lucy. But also like every other dog of her breed.
“Maybe it’s her. But I’m pretty sure it’s not.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You think I’m an idiot, don’t you? You think I make a fuss over little things.”
She paused dramatically. Then dropped the bomb:
“When I visited your house, your mom and your dog licked my food. I saw them doing it. But I didn’t say a word. I just licked it back before eating.”
That was weird.
And yes, I love weird stuff.
I leaned closer and licked her ear. “Maybe I can make it up to you… on behalf of my mom. And dog.”
She stepped back, horrified. “You think I want to have sex with your parents and your dog?!”
“No! No, that’s not what I meant!”
I panicked. Searched for words.
My eyes caught a middle-aged guy staring at us. He walked over and whispered, “Just buy her that dress.”
I blinked. “How do you know?”
He showed me his ring. “I married my girlfriend of two years. Biggest regret of my life.”
He started to walk away but turned back.
“If she’s asking you to get rid of ‘irrelevant’ people in your life, she doesn’t mean murder. She means marriage. This is her soft-entry plan into your home and life.”
Now that was new.
And weird.
And trust me — I love weird stuff.
Hugging. Scratching. Even licking others.
But marriage?
That’s not just weird. That’s terrifying.
So I took the weird advice from a stranger…
…and ran for my life —
licking the sweat off my body,
hoping she wouldn’t chase me
with my mom, my dog, and a wedding planner.
🛑 Wait! Before You Run for Your Life…
If you enjoyed this absurd little ride through hugs, Instagram, and food-licking —
you’ll love Silly Humans, my collection of ridiculous short stories about… well, ridiculous humans.
📘 Free for a limited time at thekyg.com