The Best Chinese You Should Never Taste
Chinese certification feared
What makes an eatery the best place for Chinese food?
Taste? Nope.
Ambience? Nah.
Authenticity? Not even close.
The answer: Claim.
If you’ve been loyally eating at a restaurant thinking this is the best Chinese food ever, go back and check—did they claim to be the best? Probably not.
They’re out there, foolishly focusing on things like taste, ambience, and authenticity. Amateurs.
That’s why Rudra Chinese is the best Chinese restaurant. Period.
I wasn’t even aware of this place until I stumbled upon a small street-side eatery with a board that boldly declared:
“Best Chinese Restaurant.”
I had to investigate. Hold on, let me grab some sticky noodles and a bowl of manchow soup.
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Now, after eating at Rudra Chinese, here’s why it was the best:
1. Claim
The owner, Rudra, claims it’s the best Chinese restaurant. That’s the first and only qualification that matters.
He doesn’t bother with ambience. He hasn’t painted dragons or hung lanterns. He doesn’t even list types of Chinese dishes.
He’s just thrown some red plastic chairs for the customers to sit and eat.
What about tables, you ask? Who needs tables when your focus should be on holding a hot plastic plate of noodles? That’s swag.
He just claimed his restaurant to be the best—and left it to us mere mortals to figure out why.
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2. Taste
Who really cares about taste?
Apart from actual Chinese people who know what Chinese food tastes like, the rest of us are just pretending.
We base our "taste" on whatever the local chefs have been feeding us.
And why should we trust these chefs until they’re certified by the Chinese government?
I mean, when my phone, shoes, toilet paper, and everything else in my house are certified by the Chinese government, shouldn’t the food that makes me shit ten times a night be certified too?
Even my mother once gave me noodles she claimed were Chinese.
My tongue still thinks that’s how shit tastes—and insists on getting it certified before letting it back in my mouth.
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3. Authenticity
When I silenced the voice in my head screaming “Don’t eat this!”, I had an epiphany.
We don’t know what authentic food is. I put that noodle in my mouth and tried to figure it out.
It tasted like… nothing should.
And I’m not just talking about human food. Even cows and crows deserve better.
But Rudra, the owner, told me:
“It takes time to develop a taste for my authentic Chinese food.”
I agree.
But my tongue curled up like a snake fearing death.
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4. Price
Here’s the real twist.
Think about your last bill at that other Chinese restaurant. Cost a bomb, right?
But has anything expensive ever been made by the Chinese industry? No! They’ve mastered the art of cheap.
Rudra gets it. Nothing on his menu costs more than fifty cents. Yeah, fifty cents.
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After eating the best Chinese food at the best Chinese eatery, I was confused.
I didn't know how to get rid of the blisters in my mouth from the spicy Chinese.
My mouth was red, and my stomach was playing merry-go-round.
Rudra saw my flushed red face and offered me a sweet cola.
“It’s the best cola,” he said.
It reminded me of the health drink my wife force-feeds me every day.
Both tasted like rat pee.
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While I was leaving, Rudra asked me to leave a review.
So I wrote:
Rudra Chinese Eatery
Authentic? Chinese certification is likely to kill its enemies with the spicy noodles.
Tasty? Nasty. Like actual poop.
Ambience? Will put the entire Chinese industry to shame with its cheap, plasticky chairs.
But it’s the best Chinese restaurant.
Claimed by Rudra. Backed by blind faith and chilli sauce. Endorsed by my tongue’s emotional trauma.
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P.S. If your mouth is red with blisters after eating the best Chinese food here, don’t drink the rat pee he offers.
It’s surely not a health drink, like my wife claims.
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