The Dog Who Humped My Life
When your girlfriend’s dog gives you relationship advice, you never asked for.
The only thing I hate more than my girlfriend is her stupid dog.
Don’t get me wrong. I love dogs and that stupid loyalty they pee around everywhere. But Jimmy, my girlfriend’s dog, is just an idiot.
He thinks my leg is somehow related to his girlfriend. He just keeps dry-humping it every time I walk into his home.
I told this to my girlfriend, Jenny. She shrugged and said, “Maybe Jimmy is trying to teach you something.”
That’s insane and ridiculous! How can she think I can even understand dog language?
That’s not the only problem with Jimmy.
He follows us everywhere. Like a loyal stalker.
Don’t get me wrong. I respect people and animals who can follow my girlfriend. And trust me when I say Jenny is really irritating. I mean, really.
So either her irritation got to Jimmy, and he’s gone mad, or he is trying to explain something to her.
Now that’s stupid.
What makes him think Jenny will understand his logic, or anyone’s logic, for that matter? She has her own silly logic, which is beyond human comprehension.
I even tried to explain to Jimmy about it. But he just stared at me, made a weird face, and started dry-humping my leg.
Last time, Jimmy even followed us for a mile into the cafe. I pointed at him, looking at us from the window. Jenny just shrugged and said, “Maybe Jimmy is trying to teach you how to be sorry.”
That’s insane and ridiculous! How can she expect me to follow her like a stalker everywhere and dry-hump my leg to be sorry?
One more pressing concern that Jimmy shows is his love for shopping.
I don’t understand that. I even got him checked by a vet. The vet confirmed his male identity.
He believes Jimmy is a rare male breed who loves shopping.
You don’t trust me? Just try to stalk Jenny and Jimmy this weekend. You will find Jimmy holding a dress in his mouth for Jenny to see like a stupid boyfriend.
I mean, who does that?
I pointed it to Jenny. She shrugged and said, “Maybe Jimmy is trying to teach you how to be a wonderful boyfriend.”
That’s insane and ridiculous! How can she expect me to hold her clothes in my mouth while I am staring and flirting with other women?
One day, during an intimate moment on the bed, Jimmy was lying in the room.
Don’t get me wrong. We were bitching about my parents. But if a dog listens to it, what will he think about me?
I asked Jenny to throw him out of the room. She ignored me.
I asked her again. She dismissed me with a look.
I asked Jimmy to get out. He woofed.
He woofed at me! Woof ! Can you believe this?
You must be angry, right? So was I.
I went to Jimmy and laid before him, mimicking his position. On my arms, — man to dog.
He looked at me, raising his brow. I woofed.
Jimmy got up and ran to Jenny.
She pointed at Jimmy’s face. “You spat on my dog?” she barked.
I shrugged. “Maybe Jimmy is trying to teach you to wash your face once in a while.”
That’s insane and ridiculous! Jimmy was trying to motivate Jenny by dry-humping her leg even though she smelled like a smelly cat.
Oh wait! Now I can connect the dots.
Jimmy can’t smell? Is that why he couldn’t smell the stink of my leg while he was dry-humping it?
That’s insane and ridiculous! And they say dogs can smell sixteen times better than humans.
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