The Quizzer Millionaire
“So you want to be a millionaire?” The middle-aged teacher on the verge of exploding into old age asked Paddy and Kevin.
“Not really,” Kevin answered while noticing the vibrating extra layer of fat on the teacher’s hands, face, and tummy.
Paddy, who had parted his hair from the middle, didn’t answer. He definitely had an answer, a precise and a definite one. But he chose to remain quiet.
“What does ‘not really’ mean?” The fat teacher raised her voice and picked the wooden stick from the table beside her. “you mean you want to be a millionaire but are not sure how to become one?”
Paddy, who wore thick specs made specially for his eyes, read extensively about becoming a millionaire. He thought about the truth in the statement made by the teacher.
Paddy, too, wanted to become a millionaire, just like his friends or relatives or the teacher herself. But the only way he could achieve his dream of becoming a millionaire was to participate in the show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”.
The problem was the show didn’t allow fourteen-year-old students to participate. So Paddy created a duplicate version of the game to practice until he reached eighteen, when he could officially participate in the actual game. He often asked Kevin to practice with him to play his version of the game.
Kevin didn’t care about participating in the actual show. He tagged along with Paddy to play the duplicate game, only to irritate the class teacher. His only condition was they would not utilize the lunch break or the game period for playing the game. Kevin instead wanted them to utilize the science or the English class to play so that they could pass their time while the teacher talked about gibberish science.
“Answer me.” The tall, fat lady-turned-science teacher hit the stick on Paddy’s arms.
Kevin held Paddy’s hands to prevent his outburst. Paddy’s pretty face had turned red with the internal outburst his mind had.
“Answer me.” The tall, fat lady hit the wooden stick on Kevin’s arms.
Kevin let go of Paddy’s arms on purpose. Now, there was nothing to hold Paddy’s childhood resentment towards the teacher.
Paddy looked at Vipin, who had the biggest grudge against the fat and tall science teacher for her nonscientific beliefs. Vipin nodded.
“You answer us,” Paddy said in a baritone voice that echoed the school premises.
“What did you say?” The unscientific fat science teacher asked, drawing herself closer to the boys. She didn’t like to be questioned even when she taught concepts students didn’t understand.
“Madam, you first answer us. “Paddy raised his head and toes and tried to look straight into the eyes of the tall science teacher.
“What do you want me to answer?” The teacher raised her voice and tried to hit Paddy with the stick. Paddy dodged, which made the teacher furious. She attempted to jolt Paddy by gripping his belt and moving it like a pendulum.
“Why don’t you want to be a millionaire?” Paddy somehow got rid of the teacher’s hands on his belt, tucked his shirt in, took a step back, and stood near the accomplice, Kevin.
“Who told you I don’t want to be a millionaire?” The teacher folded her arms to listen intently to the accusation.
“Well, your actions don’t suggest you want to be one,” Paddy sputtered. The words hit the teacher’s brain before her nonscientific mind could comprehend.
Paddy repeated slowly, emphasizing every word with his thick accent. “Your actions are not in tune with your goal.”
The science teacher saw the smug on Vipin’s face, her student cum nemesis in the class. She breathed heavily, each breath vaporizing her little science knowledge.
“If your actions aligned with your goal, you would play the game with us. But instead, you try to create obstacles by preventing us from playing.” Paddy shook his head in disappointment. His school pants cum shorts had shifted to the right after the pendulum movement made by the teacher.
Paddy had grown increasingly disillusioned with the teachers for getting beaten for no real reason. When anybody talked in the class, Paddy was beaten. When students didn’t complete the homework, Paddy was beaten. When the teacher’s dog didn’t pee, Paddy was beaten.
The teachers hated Paddy, and Paddy hated them back with all his heart.
But this time, Paddy had committed no mistake. He said he was doing good for the school by practicing the game. If he won the show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire,” the school would benefit by getting famous for schooling the child millionaire.
Paddy also swore to buy the school after winning the show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.”
According to Paddy, any noble deed was noble, even if he had to break some rules. So he didn’t care if he broke the rules by playing the game in the science class.
“You want me to play the millionaire game with you in the class instead of teaching science?” The Science teacher asked.
That was a rhetorical question, but Paddy didn’t care.
“Yes. Why not? In fact, I challenge you to defeat us.”
Kevin pulled Paddy behind to stop him.
“No, Kevin. We have practiced enough to beat her and her team,” Paddy pointed at the fat science teacher who hated anybody who pointed fingers at her.
“I challenge you to beat us in the game. If you win, I will quit the game forever. But if we win, you disclose the name of the traitor who informed you that we were playing the game in the class. Also, you will declare my version of the game the official game of the school and promise to conduct it every year in the school itself.”
There was a murmur of discussion in the class. Everyone knew how much Paddy loved the game. Everyone knew how much the teachers hated Paddy. Some teacher loyalists were shaking their heads to warn Paddy.
“Ok.” The science teacher chuckled.
So, the quiz was arranged between two teams. Team Paddy consisted of Paddy, Kevin, and Vipin. Team Teachers consisted of science, history, and maths teachers.
The science teacher delegated the task of framing the questions to her loyalist students. To simplify it, the quiz consisted of three questions for both teams.
“The first question goes to team teachers.” The loyalist student turned quiz master asked the Teacher team.
“Molecules are made of groups of atoms? State whether it’s true or false.”
The history and maths teachers looked at the science teacher. The Science teacher put a smile on her face. It was more of a smug than a smile. “Molecules and atoms have no relation to each other. So the answer is false,” The science teacher answered.
Team Paddy started laughing.
“Correct answer,” The quiz master announced.
Vipin couldn’t control his temper and proved scientifically that the teacher’s answer was incorrect.
Vipin was disqualified and barred from answering further questions in the quiz and future classes.
The first question for team Paddy. “How many kinds of sub-particles is an atom made of?” The quiz master questioned Team Paddy, which now had Paddy and Kevin.
Paddy whispered three in Kevin’s ears. Kevin shook his head.
“Are you an idiot? It’s protons, neutrons, and electrons.” Paddy said.
Kevin shook his head again.” That’s what the scientists believe, but not our science teacher. We must find the answer the teacher thinks and provided to her loyalist quiz master.”
“The atom is indivisible. Since the atom can’t be divided further, scientists have not been able to find particles hidden inside the undivided atom. The particles of an atom could be in millions or billions. So the right answer is not known,” Kevin answered.
Paddy opened his mouth in disbelief.
“That’s what the science teacher taught us.” Kevin smiled at the quizzer.
“That’s correct, team Paddy. One point to you as well.”
Paddy and Kevin celebrated while the teachers stared at them, gnashing their teeth.
“One point each for both the teams. The next question is for team teachers,” The quiz master said. “Who was the first man to land on the moon?”
Paddy and Kevin wondered why the teachers took so long to answer such a simple question. Everyone knew it was Neil Armstrong.
The teachers discussed among themselves for a while and then came to a conclusion.
“No man ever landed on the moon.” The teachers declared. “Men could only hop on the moon, so no man has landed on it. Men could stand, but no man stood on the moon; he hopped. Only planes can land anywhere, not men, and planes never landed on the moon.”
“Correct answer,” The quiz master declared.
The teachers smiled amidst growing applause from the loyalist students who cared more about their marks than logic or plain facts.
Paddy and Kevin looked at each other with open mouths, their heads shaking in disbelief.
“Next question is for team Paddy.” The quiz master said. “Who is the first woman to land on the moon?”
“Christina Koch,” Paddy informed Kevin immediately.
Kevin shook his head. “Think what the history teacher would say.”
“She would say Christina Koch because that’s the correct answer.” Paddy was irritated.
“I know the answer is Christina Koch. That’s what we know. But the teachers don’t think that’s correct,” Kevin assured Paddy.
“We shouldn’t care what they think or say. We should stick to facts and only facts,” Paddy thumped on the desk.
“Look, do you want to quit this game forever by losing to them?” Kevin asked. Paddy shook his head. “Then let’s think of the correct answer.”
“Do you want to pass the question to the other team?” The quiz master asked team Paddy.
“No, we know the answer,” Kevin said, gesturing to Paddy to trust him.
“The first woman to land on the moon was Mrs.Neil Armstrong.”
Kevin declared. Paddy couldn’t believe the words. His friend had murdered facts with fiction.
“What are you saying, Kevin?” Paddy wanted to know.
“The history teacher told us she has traveled the world although she has yet to cross the borders of even this town. Remember she told us that her husband is in sales and she makes him carry her photograph wherever he travels. That’s how she believes she has traveled the world,” Kevin informed Paddy. “Mrs.Neil Armstrong must have also forced her husband to carry her photograph on the moon. So when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, Mrs.Armstrong must have landed with him, making her the first woman to achieve the feat.”
“Correct answer,” The quiz master declared.
Paddy was in tears. He thumped his head on the desk.
“This is the last question for team teachers.” The quiz master said, “What is the national animal of India?”
“That’s unfair. It’s such an easy question. Even a fourth grader knows the answer is Tiger.” Paddy threw his arms in the air.
The teachers started laughing. The loyalist students, unaware of the reason, copied the teachers.
“The national animal of India is not the Tiger. It’s Godzilla,” The history teacher answered.
“What?” Paddy laughed like he had never laughed before.
“That’s the correct answer,” The quiz master declared.
Paddy pulled his hair. He couldn’t take it anymore. “That’s absolutely wrong. Please explain how a Godzilla is a national animal, not a Tiger?”
The history teacher stared at Paddy for being questioned publicly. She cleared her throat. “Godzilla can swim as well as walk. So, it can attack other species, including humans, in water and on land. A tiger is no match for the mighty Godzilla.”
Paddy shook his head vigorously. “respected teacher, the Godzilla doesn’t exist. “
“Says who?” The history teacher retorted.
“Everyone,” Paddy retorted back.
“I do think the Godzilla exists.” The science teacher said. “I do, too,” the maths teacher said.
Every other loyalist student confirmed, “I think Godzilla exists.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter what you think. The government doesn’t think the Godzilla exists. Hence, it has named the Tiger the national animal,” Paddy informed the teachers and the audience with desperation.
“Government doesn’t know. We will ensure they know by sending them a copy of the Godzilla movie and facts we have discovered after watching the movie,” The history teacher informed Paddy and the audience. “Till then, let’s rely on the answer provided by the quiz master.”
Everyone looked at the quiz master for the correct answer.
“Team teacher gets one more point. Godzilla is the national animal of India. Soon, with our teachers’ help, it will be the world’s national animal.” The quiz master declared and clapped for his masters.
“Long live the Godzilla,” the students roared.
“Live?” Paddy looked at Kevin with popped-up eyes.
He couldn’t believe how his teachers were murdering logic in broad daylight.
“The last question is for team Paddy.” The quiz master said, “Which is the national bird of India?”
Paddy chuckled. He couldn’t believe how the quiz master could ask such a simple question.
“It’s not peacock.” Kevin held Paddy’s hands to make him ponder. “I know the real answer is the peacock, but that’s definitely not the right answer for the quiz master.”
Paddy banged his head on the desk harder.
“It’s Chicken. The national bird of India is Chicken.” Kevin declared. “The chicken is immortal. Even though it gets butchered daily, it gets reborn immediately to fulfil the ever-growing hunger of man for its flesh.”
Kevin looked at the Maths teacher, who ate chicken daily.
“Chicken is also everywhere at one instance but nowhere in another. So if you run behind the chicken instead of in the gym, you can grow fitter quickly,” Kevin said.
“The government thinks that the peacock is the national bird of India, but I am sure they aren’t aware of the powers of the mighty chicken. Our teachers will make them aware soon, I suppose.” Kevin smiled. The maths teacher nodded with approval.
“That’s the correct answer,” The quiz master declared after rechecking the answers from the answers provided by the maths teacher.
“Now both teams have won three points each. So, we have to go for the tiebreaker question. This is a buzzer round, and the one who buzzes first and answers wins the round and the competition,” The quiz master announced.
“Wait. I will provide the last question to make the competition fair.” The Principal walked in and sat at the center of the class. She provided the question to the quiz master.
Paddy trembled when the Principal entered the class. The past memories of getting thrashed by her on the blackboard, desk, or every plane surface had instilled an innate fear in him.
But her reputation for fairness was widespread. Paddy and Kevin felt hopeful when she provided the last question.
“So, the last and final question of the quiz.” The quiz master said. “Who is the fastest animal in the world?”
Both teams hit the buzzer simultaneously. The quiz master looked at the Principal.
“Let both the teams write their answers and submit them to me.” The Principal directed the quiz master.
Kevin wrote Cheetah on a piece of paper to submit. But Paddy threw the paper away.
“It’s a trick question. I know the Principal.”
Paddy took another piece of paper and scribbled the answer. Kevin couldn’t believe what Paddy had scribbled on the paper and banged his head against the desk.
“The answers of both the teams are with me, and now our respected Principal will announce both the answers and tell us who won the quiz.” The quiz master announced.
Kevin’s heart danced vigorously. He could hear its every beat. Kevin looked at the teachers who were already celebrating their victory.
“The team teacher wrote that the fastest animal is the Cheetah,” The Principal announced.
The audience of loyalist students filled the classroom with applause, knowing their teachers had won.
“It’s not the same answer as team Paddy’s,” The Principal said. “The fastest animal, according to Paddy’s team, is not the cheetah.”
The audience burst into laughter along with the teachers.
“According to team Paddy, the fastest animal is the Man,” The Principal announced.
The laughter grew louder.
Vipin was in tears. Kevin hid his face. Paddy was unmoved.
“Let us hear why both teams think their answer is correct.” The Principal asked both the teams to provide justification for picking their answers.
“It’s obvious madam. The Cheetah runs faster than any other animal,” The Science teacher said. The history and math teacher nodded, and so did the students.
“What about your answer, Paddy,” The Principal asked.
“Man is the fastest animal on earth.” Paddy raised his voice while controlling his tremble. “Last time when you hit me, I ran away from the school at the fastest speed my legs could sustain. The next day, when you pulled my hair in the assembly to punish me, what did you say? “Paddy paused for the Principal to recollect. “You said men run faster than other animals from problems. The bigger the problem, the faster men will run away. You said I can run faster than the Cheetah after getting hit.”
Paddy cleared his throat. “If anyone sitting here doesn’t believe me, try getting trashed by the Principal. There is no bigger problem than her. I promise you will run away faster than the fastest Cheetah. “
Paddy continued after a short pause. “Now, since our teachers will agree that man is indeed a social animal. It’s this social character that makes him gossip about others.”
Paddy grudgingly cursed the unknown person who had gossiped and informed the science teacher that he was playing the game in the science class.
“It’s this social character of man that made someone amongst you tip the teacher about our practice.” Paddy gestured towards the audience with his fingers.
“So now it’s established that the Man runs faster than the Cheetah, and he is social, making man the fastest animal on earth.” Paddy declared.
Kevin couldn’t believe the answer. He clapped ferociously. Nobody followed except Vipin.
The Principal had tears in her eyes. Her efforts to instill intelligence by beating children had succeeded.
She proudly announced Team Paddy as the winner of the quiz challenge.
The name of the traitor who had gossiped and informed the science teacher about the game was disclosed the next day in the assembly. It was a girl, to Paddy’s dismay. But the real reason for trapping and betraying the boys always remained unknown.
The school announced the game quiz developed by Paddy as their official game. Since then, it has conducted a yearly quiz competition for the city with Paddy as the Quiz Master.
The school also announced after twenty-five editions of the quiz that Paddy would remain the brand ambassador of the school quiz event for eternity.
The Principal believed her thrashing of the kids made them logical and intelligent. Paddy was the living proof. She announced a thrashing kids program for the school. Teachers were encouraged to “thrash kids on boards, desks and at every possible plane surface.” It became necessary for every school teacher, and the Principal herself conducted detailed “thrashing workshops” for old and new teachers.
The Principal believed that “thrashing together” could create a new logical and intelligent breed of students.
Kevin and Vipin lived in peace with the thought of defeating and irritating their class teachers for life by winning the quiz competition.
Paddy did achieve his dream of becoming a millionaire. Although he couldn’t participate in the “Who wants to be a millionaire,” he minted more money by scaling the game version he had created.
The teachers tried their best to declare Godzilla as India’s national animal. After a while, they got tired and feasted on the “mighty chicken”.