The Six -step Plan to Confusion and Success
A fool proof plan from one fool to another
Do you know what’s the best thing about self-help gurus?
No?
I don’t either.
That’s why I asked. Because I’ve invested so much money in them, and all I’ve got in return is one thing — confusion.
Every time I listen to them, I get so determined.
To work on my weaknesses.
To succeed.
So, I try applying their rules.
— -
Rule 1: Work towards your success, and success will be yours.
Look, if I really cared about working and all that motivational crap, why would I need a guru in the first place?
I could just listen to my boss — who already wants me to work 24×7.
Does working make you successful or just kill you through overwork?
Such confusion these gurus have about us, normal freaks!
— -
Rule 2: Consider yourself successful, and you will be.
Now that’s some ‘high-ROI stuff’.
Just close your eyes, think real hard, and ta-da — you’re successful.
But when I open my eyes, I’m still broke… and still holding the guru’s book.
So I try again and keep my eyes closed longer.
This time, I don’t feel successful — but I’m definitely a bit sleepy.
Such confusion these gurus have about lazy idiots like us!
— -
Rule 3: Believe in destiny, and it will be yours.
Now that’s not just confusing — it’s borderline inhuman.
Destiny is still alive, so don’t call her ‘it’ yet.
And I’ve been trying to make her mine for years, but she doesn’t give a damn.
She doesn’t return my calls. Doesn’t reply to my texts.
Such confusion these gurus have about women like Destiny!
— -
Rule 4: Believe in yourself.
Again — so confusing.
Because it’s incomplete.
The guru never specifies what I need to believe in.
Should I believe in my silly thoughts?
Should I believe in my hungry stomach that never feels full, even though I keep stuffing it with food like a busted vending machine?
Should I believe in my mind — the same one that constantly tells me I’m an idiot?
Such confusion these gurus have about normal humans!
— -
Rule 5: Stop living someone else’s life.
Now wait. This one’s really confusing.
Because it raises a serious question: am I even alive? Or already dead?
And if I’m alive, how exactly am I living in someone else’s body?
Second — if I am living someone else’s life, doesn’t that solve everything?
Just get out of that person’s body, get back inside your own, and don’t repeat the mistake you made inside the first body.
Problem solved.
Such confusion these gurus have about living and dead people!
— -
So I went back to the guru and asked for a refund.
“These rules don’t work,” I said. “All they create is confusion.”
He chuckled and handed me a piece of paper.
“Apply this rule,” he said. “You will become successful in everything. And all your problems will vanish.”
I hesitated. He smiled.
I nodded and opened the paper.
It read:
Rule 6: Faith makes all things possible.
So I applied it.
And started my own faith.
Or let’s say — religion.
Looks like the guru was right.
I am successful. Even more than the guru himself.
And Destiny?
She’s all mine now.
If you’re still confused, grab a copy of my bestselling self-help book.
Or better — come attend one of my ‘religious events’.
Such confusion you humans have about Gurus!
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Laugh. Cringe. Question humanity. Repeat.