Zuckerberg Is My God Now and My Wife’s the Devil

God Zuckerberg hasn’t blessed me yet. But my wife might kill me first.

Did you notice it?

Every time I open Substack, Medium, Twitter, or Instagram, people are crying. Crying to make me buy their money-making course.

By being a writer. Or a singer. Or a painter. Or whatever’s convenient nowadays.

How ridiculous! I haven’t even had my coffee yet.

Now, I have several concerns.

First, how can I make money if I kill them out of jealousy? Frustrating jealousy—of earning zilch while watching others somehow make money. And they have the audacity to boast about it everywhere I go online.

How frustrating! I can’t even shoot and kill them through the mobile screen.

Second, how will I understand what they want to teach me if they’re dead before the course even starts?

How confusing! I can’t even earn money before they’re dead.

Third, I’m doubly confused. Do they want to die by rubbing their success on my face, or is that a bribe to make me kill them out of anger?

I mean, I’m supposed to buy their stupid course in exchange for money. But I’m not that stupid—to borrow from my wife to buy an expensive, useless, and totally unnecessary course. Again.

So that’s definitely a bribe. A weird way to die.

How weird! I haven’t even considered such a suicide.

Fourth, these money-making, idiotic course makers claim to be some sort of god. Don’t believe me? Just open any social media platform. You’ll find them everywhere. Like God. Claiming they can help others make money. Like God—or their messengers: the new-age gurus, the influencers.

I mean, if I believe these social media gods or their messengers (the influencers), haven’t I already wasted my borrowed money? By donating it to the God of Gods—Mr. Zuckerberg.

Man, I have devoted myself—and my borrowed money—to God Zuckerberg, by running ads on his platforms. Just to make Him shower some blessings and increase my followers. But this giant social media God hasn’t blessed me so far. And now these new gods have arrived.

Now I have to borrow more money?

How irritating! I can’t even delete the social media apps anymore.

Lastly, even if I buy the course again, what’s the guarantee I won’t be venting my frustration? Like I’m doing right now by typing this message?

Last time, none of them gave any money-back guarantee. And even if they did, they just blocked me when I asked for it.

I even tried to stalk and troll them. Still didn’t get my money back. I ended up spending money on their course—and the trolls.

And now, as I’m typing this—sitting in my wife’s office—I can see her staring at me. Like she’s about to beat the hell out of me. Like last time, when I stole money from her credit card.

Don’t blame me. She denied me a loan to buy that money-making course again this morning.

God. Looks like she’ll kill me before I even buy the course—or kill the new money-making gods.

That’s… chilling.
I haven’t even bathed yet.

By the way, remember how I asked if you noticed all the money-making courses at the start?

If you have—well, you need to devote more money to God Zuckerberg and beg Him to stop showing you such posts.

If you haven’t—congrats. God Zuckerberg has finally blessed you.

That’s rich.
And I still haven’t got my refund from the money-back guarantee scheme.